Happiness is...
As I sit here on this gloomy Sunday afternoon, planning the week ahead, I have a feeling longing that I can't explain. It's as if I am unfulfilled and missing something in my life. Although my life is not a bed of roses (more like a cot of thorny rose stems), I really can't complain about it. My health isn't the best, but I'm still alive. My son is thriving. My husband loves me (I think). So what is it that I am longing for in my heart?
Since I was 17 years old, I have been self-sufficient. At 25, I moved away from my family for my job. I have been lucky enough to travel the country, usually at someone else's expense and see lots of things I couldn't have imagined I would. Being so far away from my family, and working a job with strict rules about taking time off made things hard sometimes. I missed birthdays and funerals and graduations. Coming from a close-knit family, this was hard for me.
When my sister died in 2013, I adopted the motto "NO REGRETS". I had lived far too much of my life missing things to save a job, or not doing things because others didn't want me to. I wrote this on my dry-erase board at work and carried around on a piece of paper everywhere I went. I vowed not to let another adventure, vacation, or family gathering. I was determined to live my life to the fullest because my sister died before she had the chance to do so. I was going to be happy, no matter what. I was going to do everything I ever wanted to do and never had the chance, no matter what. "Carpe Diem" was my battle-cry as I made plans for all I wanted to do. However, reality has since set in.
I am a mother and wife. Not JUST a mother and wife, but the mother of a six year old son who has nonverbal autism. I am disabled. There are some days when I can't move from my bed. In the past year, I have suffered horribly from depression and anxiety. I guess I am saying all of this to say, happiness is relevant. There are days when I am happy just to be alive and be able to kiss my son and walk outside. Then other days I feel as though my life is slipping away from me. Some days I just want to hide in my bedroom with the door locked and block out the world. Then other days I want to hop in my car with my husband and son and drive cross-country.
It seems as though the target of happiness changes frequently, sometimes daily. I guess what I am trying to say it happiness is not found by reaching a destination, but in the journey to get through life. I have stopped believing I will find happiness on that next trip or with that next purchase. Happiness, for me, is being able to call my parents and hear their voices, embracing my husband and feeling his arms around me, or getting cuddles from my son and hearing him giggle at the silliest things.
Don't get caught up in the "I must have..." or "I must go...". Find joy in the "I am..."
Love Ya,
Treva
Since I was 17 years old, I have been self-sufficient. At 25, I moved away from my family for my job. I have been lucky enough to travel the country, usually at someone else's expense and see lots of things I couldn't have imagined I would. Being so far away from my family, and working a job with strict rules about taking time off made things hard sometimes. I missed birthdays and funerals and graduations. Coming from a close-knit family, this was hard for me.
When my sister died in 2013, I adopted the motto "NO REGRETS". I had lived far too much of my life missing things to save a job, or not doing things because others didn't want me to. I wrote this on my dry-erase board at work and carried around on a piece of paper everywhere I went. I vowed not to let another adventure, vacation, or family gathering. I was determined to live my life to the fullest because my sister died before she had the chance to do so. I was going to be happy, no matter what. I was going to do everything I ever wanted to do and never had the chance, no matter what. "Carpe Diem" was my battle-cry as I made plans for all I wanted to do. However, reality has since set in.
I am a mother and wife. Not JUST a mother and wife, but the mother of a six year old son who has nonverbal autism. I am disabled. There are some days when I can't move from my bed. In the past year, I have suffered horribly from depression and anxiety. I guess I am saying all of this to say, happiness is relevant. There are days when I am happy just to be alive and be able to kiss my son and walk outside. Then other days I feel as though my life is slipping away from me. Some days I just want to hide in my bedroom with the door locked and block out the world. Then other days I want to hop in my car with my husband and son and drive cross-country.
It seems as though the target of happiness changes frequently, sometimes daily. I guess what I am trying to say it happiness is not found by reaching a destination, but in the journey to get through life. I have stopped believing I will find happiness on that next trip or with that next purchase. Happiness, for me, is being able to call my parents and hear their voices, embracing my husband and feeling his arms around me, or getting cuddles from my son and hearing him giggle at the silliest things.
Don't get caught up in the "I must have..." or "I must go...". Find joy in the "I am..."
Love Ya,
Treva
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